The Resurrection

1984 was the start of my slow and painful death. Every year since then, I died a little more and as time passed, it became more painful. I knew deep down inside that the only thing that could save me was love. But what I didn’t understand then, was that I was searching in all the wrong places, allowing depression and anxiety to slowly kill me.

Depression is repressed love and the version of me that the world saw for years, was the version on me that did not love herself. You see, love is my religion and I had so much love to give that was not being reciprocated and searched for love for so long outside of myself, that it left me in a constant state of depression and anxiety. I wanted so much to be loved and accepted, that I tried to be everything to everyone else and never took the time to discover myself. How can you value yourself, when you don’t know who you are?

I posted this picture on social media the other day and someone commented “the new you”. Immediately, when I read that, it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like the “new” me. I’m getting back to me.

I can certainly see why people would come to this conclusion. For many years everyone knew the depressed me, the me that always had resting bitch face and had to force a smile. But what they don’t understand is that was never the real me!

All of those years were spent not being true to myself and searching for love outside of myself. 2013 was when I came to a crossroad where I was trying to decide if I wanted to continue to die slowly or awaken to my resurrection. 2016 was when I made the decision to hold fast to the light and chose to love myself. I have spent every day since then remembering who I am, healing and learning to love myself.

The journey has been far from easy, but it has been worth it. It’s hard to undo many years of feeling lost and broken but I realize that the vibration of love is what helped me make it through. My love for my daughters is what kept me going, as I learned to love myself. The power that I could feel emanating from my heart center knew that I loved them too much to break their hearts and leave them, but it also helped me realize that I also needed to become the best version of me so that I can be present for them. I wanted my daughters to see love, hope, faith and enlightenment when they saw me and I knew that I order to do that, I needed to see and feel that within myself.

Finding love and joy within myself, has put me back on a path of not only resurrecting myself, but resurrecting the ideas and projects that I have put on the back burner while traveling this path. It’s allowed me to resurrect a passion for life; to resurrect the memories of all the things that I did that brought me joy and everything that excited me that I was too afraid to do or try.

In this season of resurrection I encourage you to ask yourself “What is it about yourself that you need to resurrect? What passion do you need to bring back into your life? What projects have you been sitting on out of fear?”