Unconsciously suppressing emotions

September 4, 2023 - The other day it took a friend to realize and let me know that I was carrying a heavy sadness. So much has happened over the past few years and just as I was settling in to a comfortable joyous and peaceful place, so many things started happening back to back over several months like a never ending story. And as all of these things started happening, I was slowly starting to suppress the negative feelings and little by little got thrown off of the path that brought me so much peace and joy. So when my friend, my sister pointed out the heaviness of the sadness that she felt on me, it awakened a permission to weep and to acknowledge the feelings that I having unconsciously trying to suppress. When you’ve  lived for years with depression and finally found a way to really experience peace and joy, it can be scary to go back and so you can unknowingly go into a cycle of pushing down the bad feelings and trying to avoid them. But I want to fully be me and that means  accepting the level of deep mess that I feel in all of my emotions because if I shut myself off from feeling the sad or the anger then how can I fully enjoy and experience love, joy, peace, and happiness. Feeling is the essence of who I am, it is how I prefer to move in life. The important thing is being able to discern between the two so that when you feel the bad it helps you recognize that you are off of your path. The feelings of freedom, peace that I truly started to feel in my soul while being on this journey has helped me to heal from a great deal but I’m still learning lessons in balancing how I wanted my life to look vs how I wanted my life to feel and how to make those visions cohesive. I want to feel safe, I want to feel loved, I wanted to feel supported, I want to feel fulfilled and everything that makes me feel otherwise is out of alignment with that and needs to be changed . I don’t love like one, I love like the hundreds of ancestors love me that got my back!